grumpyhawk collective

I’m tired.
Tired of unexplainable high blood sugars.
Tired of low blood sugars that last for hours, no matter how many carbs I throw at it.
Tired of my diabetes being generally and inexplicably uncontrollable.
Tired of being in pain.
Tired of letting people down because my health.
Tired of my body’s apparent hate for itself.
I’M $&@#%*]+* TIRED!

I can’t seem to go more than six months or so without some sort of health issue creeping up on me and taking me down. Keeping me from operating at 100%. Don’t get me wrong, I get things done, but some days it’s a constant fight and struggle just to be functional.

I don’t known why things are this way, but I’m sick of it.

Something’s gotta give.

Something’s gotta change…….

Before you yell at me about quoting myself in a blog post, understand that while I wrote this more than a year ago, It’s still extremely applicable to my current situation.

I don’t know how many of you know this, but I have some major health issues to deal with on a day to day basis. I’m a Type I diabetic (which is the “my body hates me and destroyed my pancreas” kind, not the “I’m old and/or destroyed my body with food” kind.) Despite having this disease for more than half my life, it’s still not in good control. Sure I could be better with what I choose to eat sometimes, but even when I stick to a solid plan, there are wild peaks and valleys to my blood sugar.

I’ve also had 2 major back surgeries, the most recent being a fusion at the L4-L5 vertebra about 18 months ago. While my pain level is not anywhere close to what it was a year ago, I still have times where it’s excruciating to simply get out of a chair or walk more than a few steps.

The past 2 weeks have been absolute hell with both the diabetes and the back pain flaring up at the same time. To complicate matters, pain causes stress on the body, which releases hormones that then raise my blood sugar, which then makes it harder to heal, which leads to more pain and……well, you get the idea. I’ve spent the last week hobbling to work, then going home and collapsing into a ball of pain. Having to take something stronger than ibuprofen for the pain this week feels like a huge defeat and setback. Before you ask, yes I’ve already scheduled an appointment with my surgeon to see what’s wrong, but I’m not hopeful for the results.

Why am I writing all this, you ask? Mostly because (cliché alert!) I’m just sick and tired of being sick and tired, and I need to get my thoughts out of my head and down somewhere. I feel like I constantly let people down because of my health. also, I tend to get inside my head anyway, so all this stuff flaring up isn’t helping. I’m hoping that at least writing this will help me process and realize that things won’t be this bad forever (I hope.)